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Time Whirls By

  • Posted on October 14, 2014 at 2:10 pm

As the halfway point of my daughter turning four and a half approaches, I am forever thankful that I have been able to watch her grow, mature, and become this little ball of energy.

I’m in a weird funk right now. I let myself get talked into teaching a book to my seniors that rips me up inside. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s a heartbreaking, wrenching story that I can’t help imagining myself belonging. I’ve already experienced tragedy and loss and the worst of it, I live in constant fear of something happening to my daughter. Every morning as I stumble through my routine of getting ready for the day, I breathe a sigh of relief that my daughter made it through unscathed.

I have always been a worrier. But, now, as my daughter gets older and I worry that some stranger will see how beautiful she is and try to take her from me, I live in constant fear. I live in constant fear that in the brief moment she walks away from me and I’m not holding her hand, something will happen to her. I try not to be a helicopter parent, but I just can’t shake my distrust of people in general.

She is so trusting and her innocence is heartbreaking.  I think that’s why the book my students are reading physically hurts my heart.  I can’t let anything like that happen to her and I’m afraid it will.  I go about my life, wondering if that family of four I just walk by thinks about these things?  For some, tragedy never touches them.  They don’t know what it’s like to lose a baby.  Now, I’m terrified that because I lost Benjamin, I’ll somehow lose Gracie, too.

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Words on a Page

  • Posted on May 3, 2014 at 5:50 pm

I should be looking for party decorations for our soon-to-be-four-years-old child, but instead, I’ve taken to poking around in my old posts here and my old journal I kept at the livejournal site. I do miss journaling. I just don’t have the time.

As it is, I assigned my seniors an Expository writing assignment back in February, and I still haven’t finished them. Mostly, it’s because the writing is uninspiring, but also because many of them decided to try and pass off a plagiarized paper as their own and I had to spend precious time searching google for the copied words. It drives me nuts that many of my students just don’t have original thoughts or ideas to share.

But, lately, I’ve felt a bit redeemed. I assigned my seniors another writing assignment, this time involving Narrative writing. And, I’ll be gobsmacked. Their writing was much more productive and engaging. Huh. I guess they don’t mind writing about themselves.

So, then, it got me poking around my own writing attempts. One of my students wanted to read something I had written, so I gave her a copy of one of my novels-in-progress (yes, one of them… there are three). She was so excited to read about the characters I created, it made me feel pretty good about myself.

But, a lot of the time, when I sit down to actually try to write something, the blank page staring back at me is intimidating. Even with journal writing, I don’t know what to say, a lot of the time.

Gracie is going to be four. FOUR. FOUR!!! What the what? I’ve blinked and she’s this gangly, long-armed, long-legged, blue-eyed imp with a naughty streak and a beautiful smile.

What next? Am I going to blink again and her prom date will be picking her up for her Senior prom? How can I stop time from progressing and stop getting older and grayer, but at the same time, let her age more slowly so I can enjoy this time with her before she starts thinking she knows everything and suddenly wants a tattoo?

I have been feeling better about myself, though. I’ve lost 40 lbs on my way to losing 100. It’s been really slow going… I was in a weight loss plateau for months, and then I finally shook it after a bad bout of food poisoning. Helped me get passed that plateau, but OMG, I felt terrible!

So, this post has been a bit of a hodge podge of writing. No real direction, other than maybe a snapshot of our life at this moment. Words on a page.

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