I truly have much to be thankful for. My daughter turned 6 months old today. With the exception of having to go back into the hospital for surgery to correct her pyloric stenosis (after spending 11 weeks in the NICU), our daughter has thrived. She weighs over 13 lbs, she laughs more than cries, and is a joy.
I’m trying to enjoy these last few weeks I have left before I go back to work. I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could just stay home and take care of her until she’s old enough to start school. Then, I’d go back to work. But, money is a necessary evil and so is insurance. I have to work in order to provide insurance for our daughter, so off to work I will go.
We spent a quiet Thanksgiving with family. It wasn’t the big to-do like last year and I needed that. The coming holidays are firsts for us: first holidays for our daughter, and first holidays without our son. For every milestone our daughter reaches, I am so happy, but another part of me is so sad. Even though I only got a very small amount of time with my son, I miss him.
This next week, there’s a memorial service we were invited to for parents who have lost their children. I’ve been nervous about going because I know it will open up feelings I’ve been keeping hidden for months. When our son was buried, we were not there. I still feel terrible that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him. A friend told me that going to the memorial service would possibly be good for me since it would a chance for me to actually have a memorial for him and to say goodbye.
I look at my daughter and I wonder what our son would have been like at the stage she’s in right now. I wonder if she feels his absence as much as I do. Still, I am incredibly thankful for her and I count my lucky stars every day for her. I am also beyond thankful for my husband and for all the support he has given me since March, when we found out our son would be lost to us. I really don’t know where I’d be without them.
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