Displaying 21 - 30 of 42 entries.

A bunch of Firsts.

  • Posted on July 31, 2011 at 11:43 am

Life has been busy here at the Saavedra household.  Gracie’s become a little person and walks around with her little walker, bumping into walls, doorways, and chairs.  She’s a fast crawler now and makes a beeline for any kind of cord (computer, fan, extension).  We haven’t really baby-proofed the house because most of the time, she plays in her play jail yard and is, for the most part, content to play with her toys.  When we do let her out to crawl and walk around, she’s supervised.  But, she always goes for stuff she’s not supposed to touch.  Why is it babies want to stick their little bitty fingers into wall sockets?  She tried that once, but Michael was fast enough to pull her hand away.  Looks like we’ll need to get some wall socket covers.

As I watch her grow, I am reminded of how important life is and how important family is to me.  I am so thankful to have Michael’s family for support because lately, I’ve been feeling very much like an orphan.  My mom (she’s my step-mom, but she raised me, so she’s my mom) lives in Montana and I only see her once or twice a year.  My dad, well, let’s just say his actions have left much to be desired and because of that, I haven’t spoken to him since Father’s Day.  My uncle, his brother, I haven’t seen in almost three years.  I just don’t get it.  I’ve called, left messages, and get a phone call from them maybe once or twice a year.  I’ve talked to Michael about how incredulous I am regarding my family’s actions and how I would never treat Gracie like this.

Bah.  My immediate, closest family is missing some of Gracie’s most important moments and all I can do is shake my head at the stupidity of it all.  It must be the Danish stubbornness coming out.  That’s all I ever heard about growing up, how my Danish relatives all hated each other and some didn’t even bother to show up at funerals.  What kind of life is that?  I don’t want that for Gracie.  We’ve tried as best we can to give her a home full of love, laughter, and joy.  Why surround her with that other stuff?  That’s no way to live.

Gracie took her first “step” yesterday.  She tried to take one step forward, then plopped to the ground.  She did it once more, and same result.  I spent a little time last night going through all the videos I took of her.  I had forgotten just how tiny she was.  How we thought it was the cutest thing, her laying there and waving her arms and legs back and forth.  Oh, and her swing.  Ha ha!  I took at least FOUR videos of her in her swing.  I watched them, and there she was… swinging.  Not doing much else… just swinging.  I was like the stereotypical first-time parent (we all know at least one, right?) – taking videos of her every little move and taking pictures of her every smile.  In those first several months she was home, I took hundreds of pictures and lots of video.  These days, I take pictures of her doing her “firsts.”  Her first stroller ride without her carrier.  Her first swim lesson with me.  Her first swim lesson with Michael.  Her first swing at the park.  Her first bike ride (although, that one’s kind of silly looking because her helmet is so big, you can hardly see her eyes – just a bike helmet and a big cheesy grin) at the beach.  I’m so glad for these moments.

I look at her a lot lately and still can’t believe she’s real.  Like, here’s this little person with a fighting spirit and a beautiful soul staring back at me with twinkling blue eyes and all I can think as I look into them is how incredibly thankful I am for being able to do so.

Here are her firsts these past few months.

First Swim

I love this one… she’s like a little motorboat:

 

Now, she gets in and kicks like a little frog.  She seems to enjoy the water and we’re glad about that.  However, I want her to love swimming but to also have a healthy respect for the water.

 

 

 

 

First Pool Hair

I can’t even begin to describe how funny this picture is to me.  She’s got Pool Hair!  She hardly has any hair as it is and when she got out of my in-laws’ pool, this was the result:  a cottony, wispy fluff sitting on top of her head.  She also has tired eyes.  Swimming is tough!

 

 

 

 

 

First Swing Ride at the Park

Gracie has really enjoyed all the new things we’ve introduced to her.  And, what kid wouldn’t?  Swings, swimming, pool hair.  Are those the quintessential things of summer?

Next up, bike rides, our anniversary, and her first high chair experience.  <3


Mmmmmm! Cake!

  • Posted on June 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I’m going back and post-dating this blog entry because I wanted to write something about Gracie’s first birthday party, but the whole month of June escaped me.   So, here we are.

 

For the most part, Gracie’s birthday party was nice.  Our house can only hold so many people, so just the right amount arrived, celebrated, drank merrily (eh… even though it WAS a child’s birthday party, none of my daughter’s cousins or friends with children were able to make it, so there you have it), and ate my husband’s cooking (ALMOST everyone.  I will not spend the time on here writing about how angry a certain person made me feel because I am done with this person trying to dictate my life).  The gifts for Gracie were absolutely splendid and Michael made cupcakes for everyone to eat, including Gracie.

We did a test run with the cupcakes the weekend before and though she just squished it around in her fingers, she did eat a little bit of it and the test run was deemed successful.

For this night’s festivities, Gracie ate most of her cupcake, even if she was wearing a lot of it, as well.  The faces she made through the whole process were pretty funny, too.

Gracie’s birthday cupcake.  The expressions on her face speak volumes.

Eh?  What *is* this?!

Oohhh, it’s a CAKE!  😉

 

My brother James and Gracie.  This was the first time he had actually seen her since she was in the NICU and the first time he truly got to hold her.  I love this picture.

All in all, the day was good.  It was nice to see friends shower Gracie with love.  Gracie is my little ray of sunshine in a sometimes dreary, gray world.  The sunflowers above remind me of both Gracie and Benjamin.  <3

 

Gracie’s First Birthday

  • Posted on May 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Gracie’s first birthday was Wednesday.  I took the day off of work to spend with my family.  We celebrated her birthday by taking her to have her 1 year pictures done.  They were the best set of pictures she’s taken so far.  She’s a little ham, most definitely.

The day was very bittersweet.  It has been a very trying, interesting, wonderful, and scary year.  The loss of Benjamin has been difficult for us, but watching Gracie grow into a little person has tempered that loss to more of a dull ache.  Still, there were not many people who mentioned Benjamin on Wednesday.  I guess people just assume we’ve moved on and what’s the use in talking about a dead baby?  Not only that, but it’s an uncomfortable topic and most people don’t know what to say.

We had lunch after Gracie’s pictures and then drove to the cemetery.  I wanted to place sunflowers at his marker for him, especially since the last time we were there, I wasn’t able to (the florist in the parking lot of the memorial park was closed). I went into the florist and asked for a bouquet of 4 sunflowers and one bouquet of one sunflower. I bought two pinwheels, one for Benjamin and one to take home for Gracie’s birthday. I placed the 4 sunflowers, representing the four of us, at his side and Michael put the pinwheel in so it would stay and blow in the wind. I cried. I looked up at the deep blue shade of the sky and wished things were different. It’s not fair that I have to place flowers at the foot of my son’s grave instead of getting to know him and wondering how different or similar he would have been to Gracie.

I never realized it would hurt this much.  The week leading up to Gracie’s birthday has left me feeling “off.”  I know why.  It wasn’t until about a week before I went into labor that I finally started to feel Benjamin move around.   I also was able to hear his heart beat every day.  I listened attentively to it, looking for any indication that his heartbeat was deteriorating.  We were told by a pediatric cardiologist that Benjamin would not make it to full term, due to Ebstein’s anomaly (a tricuspid valve defect).  So, every time I heard his heart beating, I knew he was OK inside me.  Inside me, he was alive and thriving.  I also knew that when the time came, he would either perish inside me, or he would perish outside.  I refused to think about it.  I didn’t want to even consider a name for him.  It wasn’t until about three days before I went into labor that we chose a name.  Benjamin Kristian.  We didn’t even come up with a girl’s name.  I think we just knew he was a boy.

All the time I had been able to feel Gracie kick and move jab me with her foot, I never could feel Benjamin.  But, when I did, it was mostly bittersweet.  I knew his movement wouldn’t last forever and I knew I would never be able to watch him grow up.

It’s been a year now.  Gracie has started babbling and is now able to say “Da Da.”  She’s crawling, pulling herself up on everything, and giving us her opinion when she doesn’t like something.  For every milestone Gracie accomplishes, Benjamin’s memory is right beside her.

To help keep his memory alive, I’ve found happiness in painting memory boxes for the hospital, as well as making jewelery.  Maybe someday, Gracie can help me make things in honor of Benjamin’s memory, too.

We have her big birthday party coming up next weekend.  It’s a bit late this year because of her bout with pneumonia, but that’s OK.  Thankfully, the weather looks like it will cooperate. (not too hot, and not too cold).

Hospital

  • Posted on May 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Two weeks from today, Gracie will be one year old.  A year ago today, I was on strict bedrest in the hospital, hoping I’d make it all the way to at least 30 weeks or more.  I didn’t, and here we are.

I’ve been very hesitant to post pictures of Gracie on this site because I’ve never understood why some “mommy bloggers” expose their children for the world to see.  However, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it and the way I see it now is I can’t keep our daughter in a bubble for the rest of her life.  I can share her experiences with the few people who do read this blog.  I will draw the line about posting things that are private and should be treated as such.

Every day is a new parenting adventure for me.  I’m not quite sure what I’m doing and I haven’t even read any books about what to expect her first year or any of that stuff.  In fact, the only parenting books we bought were books dedicated to the raising of a preemie, which have since been collecting dust in our office.  Even so, I’ve managed to detect two major illnesses in Gracie – both requiring hospital stays/interventions.  Not knowing what I’m doing, but instinctively, I know enough.

So, without further ado, here’s Gracie, feeling better in the hospital.

It’s hard to see, but her right hand is obscured by a ton of cotton, tape, and an evil IV line.  The first IV went into her left hand and she didn’t protest much, which is indicative to how bad she was feeling.  That second IV line?  The one in her right hand?  It took two nurses over 30 minutes to get it in place, with her screaming and crying and blubbering the entire time.  It was awful.  It was so awful, in fact, she began to associate the hospital crib with DANGER! DANGER! and it became quite an experience every time we needed to change her or try to get her to nap.

I got smart, though.  On Friday morning, I changed her where I had slept the night before.   She didn’t fuss at all and was content to smile and laugh at me while I sang to her.

I really wish I had spent more of this year writing about what it’s like to be her mama.  I never knew what it was like to be a mom until she was born.  She had such a precarious beginning and it’s made me scared, paranoid, and terrified every day.  But, I look forward to seeing her smiling face in the morning and I look forward to seeing her smiling face when I get home from work.

Last night was extra special to me.  Even though I was tired from swim practice and the general business of the last two days, I sat on the couch with my husband and we quietly played with Gracie on his lap.  She giggled and pulled my hair, pulled my glasses off, tried to put my necklace in her mouth, and laid her head on my chest.  It was a joy to have her so close to me.

Small Pleasures – Day 6

  • Posted on April 3, 2011 at 10:39 am

1.  Early morning

I’m not normally an early riser, but ever since Gracie was born, I’ve had to be up pretty early to nurse her.  There’s something about the light in the morning that softens everything.  There’s also something about knowing the whole day is stretched out in front of me.

2.  “Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World” by Izzy

This song is very special to me.  It’s the song Michael and I chose as our “first dance” at our wedding.  It just warms my heart when I hear it.  It’s also what I have playing on my iPod when the alarm goes off in the mornings.  What a nice way to start the day.  🙂

3.  Gracie’s laughter

The sound of Gracie’s giggles is almost beyond description.  What is it about a baby’s giggles?  Especially Gracie’s.  When she giggles, her little eyes crinkle up and she laughs from her belly.  It’s contagious, too.

Small Pleasures – Day 5

  • Posted on April 2, 2011 at 9:03 pm

1.  Homemade orange gelato

We recently bought an ice cream maker attachment to our mixer with a gift card we had, and since we have plenty of oranges, Michael made orange gelato.  It’s very tasty.  I’ve never had homemade ice cream or gelato before and it didn’t disappoint!

2.  New brakes

Silly, I know.  But, I’m very happy to have new brakes on my car and that it was just the brake pads that were squeaking and making such a terrible noise.  It was getting almost embarrassing to drive my car.

3.  Beading

I have been creating new jewelry for a couple of weeks now.  I have put my bookmarks up for sale at my Etsy shop, but nothing of the bracelet/necklace variety as of yet.  Making jewelry makes me happy and it’s something I used to do, but fell out of it for awhile.  I stopped creating anything after we lost our son, but one day, after stumbling across “Hope is the The Thing with Feathers” by Emily Dickinson, I have been creating new things almost every day.  If I’m not actually making something, I’m creating whole pieces in my head.

Small Pleasures – Day 4

  • Posted on April 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

1.  Holiday from work

Today, my school district gave us Friday off for Cesar Chavez Day.  I’m not complaining, as it gave me a wonderful day off to spend with my husband and Gracie.

2.  Blooming orange trees

Our backyard has two orange trees, both of which are blooming like mad.  The evenings smell strongly of orange blossoms and it reminds me of spring.

3.  Swimming

I can only swim on Tuesdays, and as much as I don’t want to go to practice because I’d rather be home doing other things, I enjoy it.  The feeling of pulling myself through the water and swimming other strokes besides freestyle makes me happy.  I haven’t competed in over a year, though.  I miss it.  Once Gracie gets a little older, I might be able to go to early morning practices and practice more than once a week.  Then, it’s on to competing again. Boy, I miss it!

Small Pleasures – Day 3

  • Posted on March 30, 2011 at 2:51 pm

1.  Misty, gray mornings

I enjoy misty, gray mornings so much.   If it’s a bit chilly, having a cup of hot cocoa and spending quality time with my family warms my heart.

2.  A good book

The ability to fall into a good book and get lost in its plot is something I immensely enjoy.  I don’t have the time to read as much as I’d like to and my “to be read” pile is growing at an alarming rate.  Someday, when I have the time (ha ha!) I’ll try to get some reading done.

3.  My husband’s cooking

I am very lucky my husband likes to cook and he does it well.  He thinks I don’t give myself enough credit for my cooking, but I just don’t enjoy it.  I hate making a mess in the kitchen.

Small Pleasures – Day 2

  • Posted on March 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

1.  Driving with the top open

When I’m in my car alone, I enjoy driving with the top open, to let the sunshine and wind in.  My husband doesn’t enjoy it so much, but I do.  Even when it’s cloudy, I’ll drive with it open and put the heater on.

2.  Chai tea

I adore Chai tea.  The spicier, the better.  I sometimes make my own, but when I can, I treat myself to an ice blended Chai from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

3.  Blowing raspberries on Gracie’s belly

Well, this just goes without saying.  Gracie has started to giggle at everything, so blowing raspberries has become standard whenever her belly is exposed.

Small Pleasures – Day 1

  • Posted on March 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm

As a part of an “assignment” I was given, for the next two weeks, I am to recall three small pleasures  I have experienced throughout the day.

Here is Day 1:

1.  Gracie’s morning smiles.

One of my favorite times of the day is when I go in and wake Gracie up to feed her.  She hardly ever fusses and always has a smile on her face.  Her smile brightens my day, even if I’m running late, am tired and cranky, or just generally down.

2.  Hummingbird feeder.

Hummingbirds have a lot of meaning for me.  We chose a hummingbird to go on our son’s grave marker.  It was the only marker that stood out to us as something we thought would represent Benjamin the best.  Since he was so small when he was born (1lb. 15 oz.), and hummingbirds are also incredibly small, we thought the choice fitting.  The feeder is an endless source of joy for me.  The hummingbird who has taken up residence with our feeder (they’re very territorial birds, after all) allows us to get rather close–close enough to almost reach out and touch.

3.  More daylight in the day.

As much as I hate Daylight Savings time in the spring (we lose an hour of sleep!), I do enjoy the extra hour of daylight in the afternoons.  It’s nice to come home and have more time to spend outside.  Once my foot heals (I bashed my toe into Gracie’s swing), we’ll start taking walks in the evening.