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  • Posted on July 1, 2013 at 12:51 pm

Last night, as I was putting Gracie to bed, she asked me, “Mommy, where’s Molly? Is she in the hosp-tal?”  I was just starting to close the door and she saw me tear up and cry.  I turned to Michael and told him, “I can’t do it, Michael.  I can’t tell her.”  I could hear her crying on the other side of the door as Michael went in to console her and, I imagine, tell her where my beloved ten-year-old dilute tortoiseshell calico kitty went.  It broke my heart.

Michael came out a few minutes later and told me that she was crying because she thought she had upset me.  She thought I was crying because she did something wrong.  Oh, that broke my heart even more.

I went back to her room, closing the door softly behind me, and knelt down by her head, brushing her wispy blonde hair away from her forehead.  I planted a kiss on her forehead and told her to that nothing she did upset me but that I was just sad.  She asked me if I was sad and I said yes.  My sweet little girl is very observant and has noticed Molly is missing.

It’s been a week since I had to put my pretty kitty down after she suffered complete renal failure.  She must have waited until we returned from Monterey, because within four days of our return, she was gone.  I am thankful that she waited and didn’t deteriorate so quickly while we were gone.  But, I am guilt-ridden that I didn’t see the signs she was having trouble until it was too late.

I thought about her passing last night (it’s been hard to keep it out of my mind, unfortunately… I have replayed that moment in my head over and over this past week) and noticed how quiet she was.  Macky, my sweet boy cat who had liver failure almost four years ago, was in huge amounts of distress and the toxins had ravaged his body, affecting his brain.  He didn’t even recognize me, I don’t think.  This is incredibly painful to talk about.  After losing Benjamin, I haven’t had any experience with death since his passing.  And now, I have a curious three year old who knows that Molly went to the hospital in the hopes she would get better, but she never came home.  And, now, her mommy has moments where she’s really sad and cries.

A little cat with lots of short hair that got all over the damn place, who loved to burrow under the covers, slept on my head when it was just the two of us in a big house, chased bugs, played with her white poofballs, bird-watched in the window, stood up and placed her paws on my chest for scritches, head-butted me for pets, curled up in my chair whenever she got the chance, and raced me down the hall, her tail standing up like an upside-down question mark, her little voice trilling her happiness… these  are all moments in time I will keep with me forever.

Molly was just getting to the point of allowing Gracie to pet her on occasion.  Gracie would sit on the other side of the gate and ask Molly, “What’s wrong, Molly?  What’s wrong?” when Molly wouldn’t get too close.  It wasn’t that Molly was sick at the time, it was just that Molly was incredibly wary of Gracie, who in her cat mind, was too unpredictable.  Gracie started being a little less unpredictable, which is why Molly started to be a little more receptive to her.  I just wish Molly didn’t get dealt a bum hand.

I miss her.  Missing her makes me more aware of how fragile life is and how we lost Benjamin so quickly.  Every time tragedy strikes, I’m doubly reminded of the fact that Benjamin isn’t physically with us.  Gracie knows she has a brother and his name is Benjamin.  The next time we go to visit him, I know Gracie will be more aware of where we are and there will be lots of questions.  Gracie is very aware of feelings right now.  She expresses how happy or sad she is and notices how others around her react with different types of emotions.

I am blessed with a beautiful and compassionate little girl.


This little kitty chewed a hole right through my wedding veil. She loved her some tulle.

Saving the Dragonfly

  • Posted on March 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

When I was about seven years old, I saved a little dragonfly.  It was late-morning, and I was on my way to the library from my house, after completing my chores.  I always liked to get my chores done as quickly as possible because that meant I had more time at the library.


As I was walking past the city hall offices, I heard a buzzing sound.  Bzzzz.  Bzzzzz.  Bzzzzzzzzz!  It intrigued me and I went to investigate.  When I was a kid, light poles used to have circular trashcans attached to them, like little trash pods.  They were lined to prevent trash from falling through.


The buzzing was coming from one of these trashcans.


Being the inquisitive sort that I was, I walked up to the trashcan, which was waist level to me.  The bag was vibrating with urgency, as if whatever was in side was frantic to get away.  I wiggled the bag a little bit and inside, a dragonfly buzzed up at me.  It was stuck between the layers of the bag, struggling to find its way out.


I moved the plastic aside, carefully peeling the layer away, my little hands keeping the dragonfly from getting squished.  Suddenly, the dragonfly was free and it flew right past me up into the sky.


I often wonder what happened to that little dragonfly.  It made me happy to save it from an obvious bad ending and to see it fly up into the sky.


I suppose I can compare that little dragonfly to my son’s life.  I often wonder what could have been.  Would he have been able to breathe and grow and laugh and play?  What would he have been?  Would he have been like me, walking to the library, eager to fall into a good book, going on grand adventures with the characters?  Or, would he have been like his father, studious, creative, and brilliant?  I hate that he’s not here.  I get so angry sometimes.  I watch Gracie as she grows into this little person, full of vivacious energy and life and there’s an empty space next to her, never to be filled.  It breaks my heart.