Raising Grace All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream.

I got this blog challenge from my friend Cassie, in honor of Pregnancy & Infancy Loss Awareness Month. Please feel free to join me.

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your “rock”
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don’t other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father’s and Mother’s grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel’s father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child’s name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child’s memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger…..What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday’s and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

This challenge does not need to be completed each day in October. Do a day as your feel comfortable. Thank you for joining me.

I’m a teacher in my eleventh year of teaching.  For the past six years, I’ve taught at an inner-city school, filled with a wonderful mix of students.  I love where I teach and I love what I do.

What I don’t love is my district.  It is the most corrupt, morally reprehensible district I have ever had the misfortune of working for.  In the past four years, I’ve been displaced three times and RIF’d once (layoff notice).  For those few who read my blog and might not be familiar with the term displacement, it means the school no longer has a position open for me and I’m forced to go to another school.  This happened to me at the end of the school year in 2009 (after being at the school for three years), the end of the school year in 2011, and now, five weeks after school has started.  I have packed up and unpacked my room more times than I should ever have to.

I’ve entertained the thought of leaving teaching again.  I left teaching back in 2002, tired of the politics and since I didn’t have my credential, I figured I’d find a job in the “Real World.”  After being away from teaching for awhile, though, I realized how much I missed working with young people, teaching literature that I loved, and helping students become better writers, readers, and thinkers.  So, I buckled down and finished my credential and started teaching again.

Now, eight years later, I’m beginning to wonder if I should consider something else.  I’m lucky to at least have a job that pays our bills, supports our daughter, and I have medical insurance that not only paid for my stay in the hospital, but my daughter’s nine week stay in the NICU and other hospital visits since.  Yes, I’m lucky in the sense that I have a job.  But, I cannot help but feel beaten down and chipped away.  I am constantly bombarded with the idea that as a teacher, I’m the one responsible for my students’ poor test scores.  I’m the one whose fault it is that my students aren’t succeeding.  On one hand, my district is constantly reminding me that we MUST have 100% graduation rate and we MUST raise test scores.  Yet, on the other hand, my district is constantly using teachers like me as a pawn in the games they play.  How on earth are we to help our students succeed if they’re instead being shuffled around like a bunch of cattle?  How on earth is forcing teachers to teach HUGE classes (45-50 students in a class) doing the students any favors?  When I first started at my school, my largest class had 34 students, and my smallest had 21.  Now, it’s rare if my classes dip below 40.  We’re told we must have 42.5 students in each class.  This year, the district has determined we should have extremely large class sizes in the fall so that by spring, when attendance is always lower, our classes will balance out.  How is this rational?  How is having a class of 50 students in the fall so that we’ll have 42 students in the spring, rational thinking?

I’m tired.  My brain hurts.  My stuff is in boxes while I wait for word on whether or not I’ll be going.  I haven’t said anything to my students yet.  I don’t want to because I’m more upset about how they’re being treated than I’m being treated.  What does that say about the state education is in now?  That these students are constantly being shuffled around from place to place, from teacher to teacher, because the district doesn’t give a shit?

***UPDATE***

I received word.  My job is safe, at least for this school year.  I’m angry at exactly how it happened, though, but I really can’t go into the details behind it all.  Who knows what will happen again in the spring?  I miss the years when I just put things away in my cabinets, locked them up, papered over my bulletin boards, and had a nice relaxing summer.  That hasn’t happened to me since 2008.